Old Myspace Blog Entries- For Posterity: After SU

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

A Reflection of a Girl about to Drive 40 Hours with her Father
Current mood: indescribable

Tonight is my last night.

All my Earthly possessions are packed into my little blue car, ready to traverse the United States in an attempts to find a new vibe.

I have no plans. I have my father and an atlas. I figure that is enough.

Tonight I went to my little sister's dance recital. The high school kids looked small to me. It made me depressed.

Last night as I was lying in bed about to go to sleep, I thought of how many times I have done that... experienced the feeling right before sleep. Its such a constant, something to be counted on. I pictured all the beds I have slept in, all the rooms and the positions of the beds and how it felt to lay there. I pictured all the beds and rooms and safe places of sleep that I will never experience again: my grandmother's house, my house in Redwood, my place in Syracuse, multiple other locations.

Minnesota has been good to me. Im still not sure why I always feel like I cant stay here; or I feel like I cant stay here now.

I will miss my Fergus home (or at least the place my parents live.) I love seeing bright stars, floating down the river, having a huge grassy yard and a big garden. I will miss being in the Twin Cities. Minneapolis is such a great city: friends, James the drive in theater at Lake Elmo, Lake Calhoun, Tup Rum Thai, opening the City Pages and finding great things to do. I will dearly miss my crazy and highly emotional family (oh this week). I will miss everything that this whole place represents in my life.

After my parents moved from Redwood, I have always felt slightly like a vagabond. I have slept in such odd places, moved in temporarily to so many rooms, spaces, couches. I am continuing the lifestyle and dont see much end in sight. I love it and hate it all at once. Im always trying to find a home, but I always am constantly bored and wanting to find something different. Its almost like if I have made it to a new place its not good enough. I guess its the whole not worthy Catholic mentality, If they would take ME, it cant be that great. Or maybe I still think my ideals of childhood can still exist somewhere, and Im trying to find it. When I realize that life- real, no meaning life, exits there as well I want to move on. Or maybe Im just curious. Or maybe I need this lifestyle because it excites me. Or maybe everything.

Regardless of everything, I leave tomorrow at 6 am. I dont think Ill have internet on my way out there, but I will definitely take some photos and post them when I do have access.

Monday, June 05, 2006

More Gazette Photos
Current mood: amused

Just for fun.
Images from RVHS- all in newspaper form.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

My wake
Current mood: nostalgic

Ok friends, I am going to do it. I am going to begin to blog regularly. I was going to join blog spot, but then I thought, "Do I REALLY want to be the person with facebook, myspace, a separate site for blogging??"
This will have to do.
Perhaps it will be nice for people to be able to catch up on what I am doing out west; regardless, it will give me something to do. Take it or leave it.

I am ridiculously sentimental and nostalgic lately. I feel like I have been saying goodbye to everyone I love for months. Syracuse goodbyes dragged out for weeks. My extended family all got a so- long after my cousins wedding. This weekend I was lucky enough to see many of my high school and Southwest State friends at Shawn's going away party. In three days my family will be next.

In high school we held wakes for people the night before they were leaving for college. I am a perpetual wake.

Nanderson (I guess it is Dizz now??) put photos of him jumping off the falls on his newest myspace blog entry. It made me sad and long for the summers of Redwood. Dari King, Ramsey Park, Beaver Falls, Goldmine, the strip, Frisbee, city celebrations and street dances, the cotton candy club, the Erikson household, taco johns (in which I just found a Gazette article on Cinco de Mayo... it was a ½ page article... did they really have no other news other than taco vomit?)

I have been sorting though all my earthly possession, trying to fit everything I will keep at home in a small closet. The problem is I keep things. I keep lots of things. I have every newspaper article I have ever been in (and that is an absolutely ridiculous amount- yeah Gazette). I have grades, every letter I have received, every love letter, every note, and project. If you have given me anything written I have it (even in email form). I have Josh Bakers entire poetry final for Creative Writing. Why? I am a paper pack rat.

Going through my journals is the most interesting. I have found at least thirty one-subject notebooks filled with journal writing, poems, short stories and thoughts. I found an especially rough time in my past, about four years ago when I first arrived at Syracuse. My pages were filled with questions and uncertainty; I was depressed not to have a direction. I realized I am at a similar place in my life. I have started to mirror many of the questions again in my journal now. However, instead of despair I am incredibly excited and ready to be off on an adventure. I have grown so immensely since my first entries. I think it is because I have gone though times like the one previously mentioned that I am so hopeful. There is something incredibly reassuring about that- about growth.

As I am attempting to decide what things in my past are worth holding on to and what can be discarded forever, I found this journal entry:

"2/28/03
My Theory on Taking up Space

I hate the thought of taking up physical space
I find it ugly to take up space (with too much self, with heavy breathing, with music or possessions.)
The more space you take up physically the less spiritual space one can have- a shrinking aura
One only has so much total space to fill. You have to decide what you are going to fill it with (self objects or spiritualism)

Nature is simple in its complexity-
It takes care of itself (with growth and population control)
It contains no extra than exactly what it should-
Thats why it is the most spiritual."


It helped as I threw away some old report cards.